Luigi Goes Postal
by James Verne
Summary: Luigi is fed up with always being in Mario's shadow. So he trades in his vacuum for an arsenal of weapons, including a shotgun, an assault rifle, and a rocket launcher. 'nough said.
1. To Whom It May Concern

**Luigi Goes Postal**

**Chapter 1**

**To whom it may concern**

It hasn't been easy for Luigi ever since the last time Mario and he were in a video game together. The game was Super Mario World. It's been nothing but Mario for the past several years. Sure they gave Luigi his own game. But all they gave him was a vacuum. That sucks. Luigi then decided to email Nintendo. This is what he wrote:

_To whom it may concern,_

_When are you going to reunite Mario and I in another video game? It's always Mario this and Mario that. Where's my share? Sure you gave me my own game. But all you gave me was a sucky vacuum cleaner! I demand a new Super Mario Bros. game. If you don't make one soon I will be forced to take extreme measures._

_Sincerely,_

_Luigi Mario_

Luigi sent his email. "There. I think I made my point clear. Now all I have to do is wait for them to reply." said Luigi

**THREE DAYS LATER…**

Luigi woke up and checked his email. He noticed that Nintendo had replied to his email. He opened it. It said:

_Dear Luigi,_

_Supply and Demand, Luigi. People demand Mario games and we supply them. Out of the thousands of emails we receive daily you seem to be the only one who wants a new Super Mario Bros. Game. Mario is just too darn popular. He is good for making profit. Nobody gives a damn about you. If we made a Super Mario Bros. Game profits would shoot down. And we don't believe you will "take extreme measures." The reason we gave you that vacuum was so you couldn't hurt anybody. Not that you would. Good luck finding a new career._

_Sincerely,_

_Nintendo of America_

This made Luigi even angrier. "I'll show them! They don't give me any respect. I'll make them respect me. For I'll be the only one left in the gaming world. My fate is sealed. I have no choice. I'M GOING POSTAL!" Luigi declared.


	2. Ye Olde Gun Shoppe

**Luigi Goes Postal**

**Chapter 2**

**Ye Olde Gun Shoppe**

Luigi decided that in order to go postal, one needed an arsenal of weapons. So he decided to go to the gun store and trade in his vacuum cleaner. He walked down the historic section of town and arrived at the gun store and looked up at the sign.

**YE OLDE GUN SHOPPE**

**EST. 1789**

Luigi walked in.

"Welcome to Ye Olde Gun Shoppe. 'Where guns don't kill people, postal workers do.' How can I help you?" Said the owner in his southern accent.

"What can I get for this vacuum? I need to exact my revenge." Said Luigi. The owner howled with laughter.

"Ya want somethin' for that go to the pawn shop down the street. In here it's either cash, credit, check, or debit." Said the owner.

"This is all Nintendo would give me. I need an arsenal to exact my revenge on Mario and everyone else in the gaming world. There hasn't been a Mario Bros. Game since Super Mario World. I told Nintendo that-"

"Wait a minute!" the owner interrupted. "You're Luigi?"

"Yeah." Said Luigi

"I am your number one fan." Said the owner as he lifted his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Luigi on his gut. "Whenever me and my brother played Super Mario Bros. I always picked you. You were always better at jumping than Mario could ever dream."

"Thanks." Said Luigi.

"There's more. I tried to start a petition to get Nintendo to make a Super Mario Bros. Game, but only three people signed it. Nintendo said that that three wasn't good enough. If you want an arsenal to take on the video gaming world, I got your back." Said the owner. "I tell you what I'm gonna do. I give you my childhood idol discount."

"Meaning?" asked Luigi.

"Meanin' I get you anything in this store, no limit to how much you can have, all for that vacuum." said the owner.

"You're gonna give me an arsenal of weapons all for that sucky vacuum? Why?" asked Luigi.

"Like I said: I'm your number one fan. I got your back. And I've been without a vacuum since my maid died." The Owner explained.

"How'd your maid die?" asked Luigi. The Owner's eyes darted left and right.

"She fell down a staircase. Onto some bullets." said the owner.

"Okay. Now about that arsenal…" Luigi said.

"I take you in the back room. I got stuff in there you ain't never seen before." Said the Owner. Luigi and the Owner went into the back room. Luigi saw more firearms in there than an NRA rally.

"You name the weapon I got it. Excluding chemical and biological weapons, ballistic missiles, and nuclear weapons. Also I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell the ATF or UN weapons inspectors about this place."

"My lips are sealed." Said Luigi. The Owner pulled a gun off a seemingly endless rack of guns.

"12 gauge Auto Shotgun as seen in the game Goldeneye. Do you want it?" asked The Owner.

"Yes." Said Luigi. The Owner pulled another gun off the rack.

"MA5B Assault Rifle as seen in the game Halo. Fully automatic, fires a 7.62mm armor piercing round." Said the owner.

"Yes." Said Luigi. The Owner pulled a large weapon off the ceiling.

"M 19 SSM Rocket Launcher also seen in the game Halo. A portable shoulder launched weapon. The magazine contains two 102mm high explosive rockets." Said The Owner.

"Yes!" Said Luigi. The Owner pulled another gun off the rack.

"S2 AM Sniper Rifle also seen in the game Halo. It has a scope on it for supreme accuracy so you can score headshots from a distance" Said the Owner.

"YES!" Said Luigi.

"And to top it all off you need a mode of transportation." Said The Owner.

"What do you got?" asked Luigi.

"Y'know that thing on top of the roof? It's called a Banshee. It's an alien aircraft from the game Halo." Said the Owner.

"Show me." Said Luigi. The Owner led Luigi up a staircase leading to the roof. When they got on the roof The Owner introduced Luigi to the Banshee.

"The Banshee is the Covenant's standard ground assault aircraft. It's very fast and extremely maneuverable. Its primary weapons are two plasma cannons ideal for takin' out infantry. Its secondary weapons are two fuel rod cannons ideal for takin' out heavily armored vehicles. Its armor is completely immune to small arms fire; only heavy arms fire can damage it. I've added a complete stereo system and cup holder." Said The Owner.

"Does it play MP3s?" asked Luigi.

"No. That would cost extra." Said The Owner

"No matter. I'll take it." Said Luigi. Luigi hopped into the Banshee with his arsenal of weapons and flew off.


End file.
